A Horse of a Different Color

Okay, the first three posts were my attempt at writing a carefully thought out blog. While I have not completely abandoned that thought, the impending school year seems to merit something that has permission to be a bit more stream-of-consciousness.

It’s rather warm and humid in my apartment: 75˚ F according to the weather doo-dad on my Google Desktop marvel. I really need to go to bed, as I have grand plans of being up at 6:00 to be in the practice rooms at school by 7:00. The trouble is that I know if I go to practice at that time, my friend whom I haven’t seem all summer will be there; likely as not, neither of us will get very much practicing accomplished. It will be a gabfest instead.

Part of me feels awful whenever I think about taking the initiative to cut short a conversation and go back to work. People ought to be more important than work, right? Well…

I believe that giving 100% to your work is a way of giving back your talents to God. The parable of the servants with the 10 talents, the 5, the 2—I don’t want to be that servant that is afraid of my Master and so hides the gifts He’s bestowed rather than developing them

I believe that we are on this earth to save our souls and help our fellow men reach Heaven. Live, love, and laugh, yes—but with a perspective that remembers that these things must be ordered to our final end.

I love learning; I hunger for knowledge. The more you know, the more you can see reflections of God’s perfection in the world. The more you can see these reflections, the more your heart and soul can be stirred to love for Him.

So theoretically, by doing your work—whatever it is—well, you are helping yourself and in turn other people towards your final end.

Just my thoughts on the subject, as I prepare for the first day of classes of senior year… it’s time to start thinking about life after college, as well, now.

Discipline

I've lately been pondering why it is so ridiculously hard to regain a sense of mental (or physical or environmental or take-your-pickal) discipline after permitting yourself a laxer approach to whatever.

I spent a ton of money today. Granted, it was on legitimate things I need: clothing. Yes, I'm a college girl, but thus far I have suffered a good deal when it comes to fashion. Even my family was noting that "You should get some new things this year... what you've been wearing isn't going to cut it anymore." At any rate, I have needed the stuff I got for a while. So I only feel mildly guilty about my purchases.

Here's the thing: I either spend way too much money on both things I do and don't need, or I won't spend any money on things that I actually do need. I seem to cycle between the two. Ideally, I would set up a budget so that I would know what and when I could spend. Instead I go between mildly compulsive spending (my weakness is eating out, actually) and panic conserving (along the lines of, "Omigoodness, I shouldn't have spent all that money at The Harp and Fiddle this week; therefore, I won't buy vegetables at the grocery store"). Neither is particularly helpful.

I was running into the same thing with my music for, frankly, about two years. I say I love what I'm doing; I know I love what I'm doing; yet I got lazy and stopped devoting the time and concentration to practicing that I need to give in order to be successful.

This past week I've been directing real effort in that direction. And surprisingly, it's been both more difficult and less difficult that I anticipated. The actual application is more difficult. Trying to focus my energies and attention for an hour or two (and two is really the bare minimum I should be pursuing) proved difficult. My attention wandered after 15 minutes the first couple days, but I kept dragging it back, not allowing myself to stop until I worked at least 45 minutes. That was troubling. At the same time, however, I was suprised that by the fifth day of this self-imposed regime, I was making it to 45 minutes of practicing without batting an idea. My disicipline was coming back slowly but surely. I was somewhat surprised because I had steeled myself for the possibility that I would never again be a focused musician without a great deal of effort, but that I was dedicated to at least making the effort. It demanded more--but in less time. I found that interesting.

Introduction

I confess it: I am a compulsive blogger. I already own multiple accounts but felt compelled to create yet another one. I actually am rather intrigued by the idea of having an audience that I'm not yet acquianted with rather than one I already know well. My other blogs are kept largely for the benefit of friends, so they can stay abreast of what's going on in my life.

I don't enjoy that much anymore. I wanted to create a place where I could record my life and my thoughts--and if you choose to read this, may you find something you can take away from it. I felt like my main blog was losing a certain amount of authenticity: you put up what you think people will want to read. If you have an on-going positive or negative situation, your readers tend not to want to read that. Similarly, if you have a certain "image" assigned to you, people aren't comfortable seeing that shaken.

The truth is that I, like every other human being, am complicated. I have hopes and ideals that are somtimes contradictory. I have flaws that I like to hide; I have virtues that I like to exaggerate. My life isn't awful; it isn't perfect, either. Life isn't like the movies: we don't always have instantaneous turning points, nor do we "get the guy" at the end. Some days we fight while others we breeze through.

Let this be my "honest look" everyone so desperately needs in their lives.