Discipline
I've lately been pondering why it is so ridiculously hard to regain a sense of mental (or physical or environmental or take-your-pickal) discipline after permitting yourself a laxer approach to whatever.
I spent a ton of money today. Granted, it was on legitimate things I need: clothing. Yes, I'm a college girl, but thus far I have suffered a good deal when it comes to fashion. Even my family was noting that "You should get some new things this year... what you've been wearing isn't going to cut it anymore." At any rate, I have needed the stuff I got for a while. So I only feel mildly guilty about my purchases.
Here's the thing: I either spend way too much money on both things I do and don't need, or I won't spend any money on things that I actually do need. I seem to cycle between the two. Ideally, I would set up a budget so that I would know what and when I could spend. Instead I go between mildly compulsive spending (my weakness is eating out, actually) and panic conserving (along the lines of, "Omigoodness, I shouldn't have spent all that money at The Harp and Fiddle this week; therefore, I won't buy vegetables at the grocery store"). Neither is particularly helpful.
I was running into the same thing with my music for, frankly, about two years. I say I love what I'm doing; I know I love what I'm doing; yet I got lazy and stopped devoting the time and concentration to practicing that I need to give in order to be successful.
This past week I've been directing real effort in that direction. And surprisingly, it's been both more difficult and less difficult that I anticipated. The actual application is more difficult. Trying to focus my energies and attention for an hour or two (and two is really the bare minimum I should be pursuing) proved difficult. My attention wandered after 15 minutes the first couple days, but I kept dragging it back, not allowing myself to stop until I worked at least 45 minutes. That was troubling. At the same time, however, I was suprised that by the fifth day of this self-imposed regime, I was making it to 45 minutes of practicing without batting an idea. My disicipline was coming back slowly but surely. I was somewhat surprised because I had steeled myself for the possibility that I would never again be a focused musician without a great deal of effort, but that I was dedicated to at least making the effort. It demanded more--but in less time. I found that interesting.
I spent a ton of money today. Granted, it was on legitimate things I need: clothing. Yes, I'm a college girl, but thus far I have suffered a good deal when it comes to fashion. Even my family was noting that "You should get some new things this year... what you've been wearing isn't going to cut it anymore." At any rate, I have needed the stuff I got for a while. So I only feel mildly guilty about my purchases.
Here's the thing: I either spend way too much money on both things I do and don't need, or I won't spend any money on things that I actually do need. I seem to cycle between the two. Ideally, I would set up a budget so that I would know what and when I could spend. Instead I go between mildly compulsive spending (my weakness is eating out, actually) and panic conserving (along the lines of, "Omigoodness, I shouldn't have spent all that money at The Harp and Fiddle this week; therefore, I won't buy vegetables at the grocery store"). Neither is particularly helpful.
I was running into the same thing with my music for, frankly, about two years. I say I love what I'm doing; I know I love what I'm doing; yet I got lazy and stopped devoting the time and concentration to practicing that I need to give in order to be successful.
This past week I've been directing real effort in that direction. And surprisingly, it's been both more difficult and less difficult that I anticipated. The actual application is more difficult. Trying to focus my energies and attention for an hour or two (and two is really the bare minimum I should be pursuing) proved difficult. My attention wandered after 15 minutes the first couple days, but I kept dragging it back, not allowing myself to stop until I worked at least 45 minutes. That was troubling. At the same time, however, I was suprised that by the fifth day of this self-imposed regime, I was making it to 45 minutes of practicing without batting an idea. My disicipline was coming back slowly but surely. I was somewhat surprised because I had steeled myself for the possibility that I would never again be a focused musician without a great deal of effort, but that I was dedicated to at least making the effort. It demanded more--but in less time. I found that interesting.
posted by Anna Clare at 11:23 PM
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