Saturday Morning Musing
I have decreed this weekend as homeworking-practicing-cleaning catch up weekend. I will not show my face to the outside world until I have successfully completed everything I planned to in these arenas. Which is probably a good thing, considering both how busy I am and how emotionally/spiritually messed up I am right now.
I verbalize my frustration and upset so easily anymore, largely due to the fact that it feels like that's what's "expected" of me as a woman and an artist. Truth be told, I'm really more comfortable hiding my emotion (which often isn't good, either) and looking things rationally (which is good).
Case in point: yesterday would have marked three months that A and I were "officially interested" if we hadn't called it off at the end of August. He never technically asked me out, so really weren't "boyfriend and girlfriend." Two thoughts on this--1) I should stop referring to him as my ex. 2) I was a little upset yesterday, and it almost took over a few times, even though I know that we're wrong for each other. I nearly let emotion overrule reason--because it's what's "expected" in certain circles of a girl who's been hurt, not necessarily because I felt that way.
What happened to me being faithful to my understanding of myself? I desperately need to get back in touch with my Catholic identity. It's only lately dawned on me that my inattention to my Faith is a large part of what's causing me so much grief. Yes, I go to Mass on Sunday and ardently mean my prayers while I'm there. But during the week, I'm what Aquinas termed the "moral pagan" (and he allowed their existence only because Christ hadn't come yet). I'm a good person, generally, without very much specificity. I hesitate to speak up or leave or otherwise make myself look like I have a particular set of beliefs.
I try so hard to do things on my own, as well. I keep neglecting the fact that without God's grace, I'm not capable of any good. I need to re-order my life.
I verbalize my frustration and upset so easily anymore, largely due to the fact that it feels like that's what's "expected" of me as a woman and an artist. Truth be told, I'm really more comfortable hiding my emotion (which often isn't good, either) and looking things rationally (which is good).
Case in point: yesterday would have marked three months that A and I were "officially interested" if we hadn't called it off at the end of August. He never technically asked me out, so really weren't "boyfriend and girlfriend." Two thoughts on this--1) I should stop referring to him as my ex. 2) I was a little upset yesterday, and it almost took over a few times, even though I know that we're wrong for each other. I nearly let emotion overrule reason--because it's what's "expected" in certain circles of a girl who's been hurt, not necessarily because I felt that way.
What happened to me being faithful to my understanding of myself? I desperately need to get back in touch with my Catholic identity. It's only lately dawned on me that my inattention to my Faith is a large part of what's causing me so much grief. Yes, I go to Mass on Sunday and ardently mean my prayers while I'm there. But during the week, I'm what Aquinas termed the "moral pagan" (and he allowed their existence only because Christ hadn't come yet). I'm a good person, generally, without very much specificity. I hesitate to speak up or leave or otherwise make myself look like I have a particular set of beliefs.
I try so hard to do things on my own, as well. I keep neglecting the fact that without God's grace, I'm not capable of any good. I need to re-order my life.
posted by Anna Clare at 12:00 PM
2 Comments:
Who in the world is A? Where did he come from, and how come I didn't know anything about him?
If this is Nicholas F., send me an e-mail, and I'll respond to that. It's a long story.
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