A Good Excuse to Wear a Veil

In condemnation of bad shipping

2008-01-08T09:37:00.001-05:00

Dear FedEx, and specifically the two employees I encountered last night,

The last time I checked, your job was to ship things. Why, oh why, was I greeted by a cashier/packing clerk last night who told me that she was too busy to pack and ship my flute? Why was I told, "I can't do that." You can't do that? "We're closing in like 45 minutes, and I still have other stuff to pack. I don't have time to ship your flute." I was greatly confused. Don't you pack things as they are dropped off? Perhaps I am mistaken. But you telling me you don't have time to do your job and take my money does not amuse me.

In her defense, this employee did recommend that I seek out another nearby FedEx and see if they might have time to pack and ship my flute for me. And so I trotted back up the street and went to another place.

"Can you pack and ship my flute?" I inquired.

"But of course," the new employee cheerfully responded. Hurrah! You can take my precious baby and wrap her in bubble wrap and paper and popcorn, and send her to her place of repair! Glorious. "Let me find a box," she smiles. She returns with something far too large, but I hazard a guess that that just means she'll wrap it well. Lovely! My new favorite FedEx employee then proceeds to test out the box size by dropping my flute into the box. And I do mean dropping. As in, it made a *thunk* sound as she let go of it from several inches off the counter.

I was too terrified by what I just saw to even react and say, "Excuse me, please do not drop part of my livelihood so carelessly into the box." I could have let one time go, but no, she had to do it again with a different box. Again, a sad *thunk* sound as my case dropped to the bottom of a box, this time one too small for it. By this time, I am nearly in tears. My no-longer-favorite FedEx employee finally gets the bright idea that she should measure my case and then find a box based on that. How clever!

My heart eased some as I watched her carefully wrap bubble wrap and paper and popcorn around my already-too-abused baby. Okay, everything is going to be fine.

"Can I get insurance on this?" I query.

"Of course you can! How much would you like to insure it for?"

"$xxxx, its replacement value."

FedEx lady's eyes got very wide, as she solemnly explained to me that she could not insure it for anymore than $500, in an effort to combat fraudulent item claims.

At this point, dear FedEx, I am about ready to snap. Not only do you tell me you are too busy to ship, not only do you abuse my instrument, but you tell me that you cannot insure it for its value. "I understand," nearly choking back tears. By now I am starting to get angry instead of just sad. "Then don't put any insurance on it, because $500 won't even come close to replacing it if something does go wrong."

"But I have to put something down, so I'll just put $500." I sigh and acquiesce. "That'll be $40," employee says solemnly.

I am paying you $40 to ship something that you can't insure for replacement value?? Why? "Okay."

Dear FedEx, I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever shipping anything with you. EVER.

Sincerely,
An irate flutist who's just crossing her fingers her flute makes it to the repair man in one piece.

New Year: Silly

2007-12-30T19:37:00.003-05:00

I present, for your second-annual reading pleasure, my year in review according to the first sentence of each month on this blog.

January: New Year's Eve 2006/2007. Three days. Two girls. One mission.

February: I, as a lover of flute and of Tchaikovsky, am absolutely thrilled to read of the premiere of his long-lost and lately reconstructed flute concerto.

March: Do check out the latest addition to my links section: Tidal Art. This kid's got some talent!

April: If you haven't already, I highly recommend checking out MindSprocket's April issue, featuring the literary stylings of Edward Atkinson and myself and introducing the fine work of Jacqueline Johnson to readers.

May: One minute you're a proofreader at one company, and the next, you're an editorial assistant to the senior acquisitions editor at another!

June: Lessons I've Learned from This Month's MindSprocket Piece:

July: I have not followed the evolution of the evolution of the most recent Motu Proprio as closely as some of my fellow bloggers have, but not wanting to be left out, I have to post and say that it gives my heart and spirit much cause for hope for the future of the Tridentine liturgy.

August: Because that's about all I do lately. This was in a friend's profile, and I wanted to share.

September: Oh I dream a highway back to you love

October: I am not writing enough, and it saddens me. :(

November: In the midst of my novelling flurry, I feel strangely compelled to start writing song lyrics.

December: I have found a new favorite place, I think: Baltimore's Cafe Hon.

New Year: Serious

2007-12-30T19:37:00.001-05:00

The New Year is almost upon us. In typical AnnaClare fashion, I decided to go through my blog from the past year and found this post: a list of where I wanted to go with my life.

The high points:

Contemplating grad school
Finding a challenging dayjob
Writing more
Making more music
Moving to Baltimore, Washington, or Frederick
Picking up flute study again
Becoming a decent guitarist
Becoming financially savvy
Getting my own apartment
Beginning to carve out a life that I would be happy to share with another or content to keep for myself through

Amazingly, somewhere in the midst of all the trouble that I seem to create for myself ;), I managed to accomplish the italicized items on the list. Okay, well, I didn't quite make it to decent guitarist yet, but I got a good start on it. ;) And I've only begun carving out a life for myself, but it's a damn fine start!

Not a bad year over all, I believe, even it was a challenging one.

A writing thought

2007-12-29T13:42:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine from college recently hit me up on facebook to ask me about some of my sentiments in my article on writing fiction on MindSprocket, and I realized my little response turned into something of a short manifesto on writing, so I thought I'd repost it here.

And you also asked me if I thought that giving myself away in my writing isn't bound to happen in spite of my best efforts. And even if I don't want my story to say much about me, if that fact alone still doesn't end up saying something about me in relation to my work.

I think the answer to both of those is a yes, even if it's a reluctant one. I can't help but give away myself in my writing, even if I think cleverly disguise it. I still give away a lot about who I am and who I am not by what I write (and as much by what I do not write). And if I try to keep myself out of it, that still makes a strong statement about how I view myself in relation to my work, trying to be a conduit of something beyond myself rather than making a personal statement.

I think that tends to summarize my artistic approach on the whole, especially the last part. I want to be a vessel rather than a super-star. I want to be a channel for art rather than someone celebrated for the fact that she is an artist.

Another poem

2007-12-17T13:29:00.000-05:00

I have never
given everything
to anything

I have always
reserved something
even from myself

I have ever
feared giving
something meant perchance for the divine

I have always
guarded fire
under the veil of virtue

I have never
been willing
to plumb my soul's depth

And now furiously
facades fall
before me

And now abandoned
I wonder
if I ever really can

Or rather if
ever I
might find courage to try

Or instead if
I'll embrace
my deadly silence

A poem

2007-12-17T11:48:00.001-05:00

A friend sent me this today.

THE SUN
by David Whyte

This morning on the desk,
facing up,
a poem of Kavenagh's
celebrating a lost love.

"She was the sun," he said,
lives in the fibre
of his arms,
her warmth
through all the years
folding the old man's hand
in hers
of a Sunday
Dublin morning.

Sometimes reading
Kavenagh I look out
at everything
growing so wild
and faithfully beneath
the sky
and wonder
why we are the one
terrible
part of creation
privileged
to refuse our flowing.

I know
in the text of the heart
the flower is our death
and the first opening
of the new life
we have yet to imagine,

but Kavenagh's line
reminds me
how I want to know
that sun,
and how I want to flower
and how I want to claim
my happiness
and how I want to walk
through life
amazed and inarticulate
with thanks.

And how I want to
know that warmth
through
love itself,
and
through the sun itself.

I want to know
that sun
of happiness
when I wake
and see through
my window
the morning color
on the far mountain.

I want to know
when I lean down to the lilies
by the water
and feel their small and
perfect reflection
on my face.

I want to know
that gift
when I walk
innocent through the trees
burning with life
and the green
passion
of the pasture's
first growth,

and I want to know
as lazily
as the cows
that tear at the grass
with their
soft mouths.

I want to know
what I am
and what I am
involved with by loving
this world
as I do.

And I want time
to think of all
the unlived lives:

those that fail to notice
until it is too late,

those with eyes staring
with bitterness,

and those
met on the deathbed
whose mouths are wide
with
unspoken love.

Every year
they keep me faithful
and help me
realize there is more
to lose
than I thought
and more at stake
than I could dream.

Winter

2007-12-16T20:52:00.000-05:00

A bitter wind screams past my windows, my doors, on this dark December night. The days seem incredibly short; the nights, interminably long.

I will welcome the solstice on the 22nd with open arms: I am eager to greet the coming of light again.

Cafe Hon

2007-12-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

I have found a new favorite place, I think: Baltimore's Cafe Hon. It vaguely reminds me of sitting in my great aunt Anne's house/restaurant in western PA when I was younger. There's an awesome bar running the length of the place, and lots of tables and chairs everywhere.

Okay, so that's not a very poetic description. ;) The point is that it feels homey and awesome. I'm also a big fan of the shelf with statues of the Holy Family and the Infant of Prague and the lovely picture of St. Cecilia hanging on the wall (which looks identical to one that I lost two moves ago...).

Long story short, fun place. ;) And I just felt the need to share.

NaNoWriMo

2007-11-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

I have written my 50,000 words!! And I wave officially won NaNoWriMo 2007!!

IT'S OVER!!

It's been a while...

2007-11-25T21:34:00.000-05:00

Dear readers, I promise I'll update more once NaNoWriMo is over, at the end of this week. Currently, everything I'm thinking, feeling, and experiencing is somehow working it's way into chunks of moderately well-written prose (or chunks of really dreadful prose).

I don't know if I'll finish or not, but I'm definitely going to give it a good effort. I broke 20,000 words tonight, and that means I only have to write 30,000 more. In five days. Umm . . . yeah. We'll see how that goes.

Wish me luck!

Highest Possible Praise

2007-11-16T09:38:00.001-05:00

I had dinner with my flute students' family last night, while Linny Jane was teaching piano to various members of the household. My nine year-old asked me, "What's your dream?"

"What do you mean?" I responded.

"What do you want to do? What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Well," I said, "I would really like to be a professional flutist and be able to teach in colleges."

"That's neat," my student replied. "I want to be a teacher, too. A music teacher. Since I started taking flute and piano lessons, that's what I want to do."

Imitation, they say, is the sincerest form of flattery. I can think of no more awesome honor than to have a student tell me they want to teach music because of what they have learned from me. I am both proud of and humbled by that.

Novelling (and one other thing)

2007-11-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

There is a theory that we can accomplish any task--as long as it's not the one that has been set right in front of us. I'm finding that with NaNoWriMo. All of a sudden, with a daily word deadline of 1,667 words, I am discovering that gee, I should really start practicing guitar/flute/singing again. I amaze myself with my ability to pour over Bach sonatas (or guitar fingerings) again in an attempt to avoid working on my novel. Heh.

The real thing I'm running into right now with the novel is that I'm hitting the point where my characters are going to have to start making some decisions and growing, and while I'm writing random scenes (see this post), I really want to get back to writing linearly. I want to write the story I want to read, in the order in which I want to read it. Just got to keep slogging through, I suppose.

In case anyone is wondering, yes, right now NaNo is owning my life, and if I want to finish this year, it's only going to get worse in the coming weeks. ;)

And today is the five-year anniversary of my Grandpa Luther passing away, so requiescat in pace, Grandpa.

Picture

2007-11-10T12:23:00.001-05:00

All ye readers, please take note of the new profile picture.

I sometimes think I amuse myself entirely too easily. Heh.

Lyrics

2007-11-06T10:13:00.001-05:00

This came across Pandora radio today, and although I must have heard it at least five times before, it hit particularly hard today.

Hummingbird
Kris Delmhorst

Here in the dark, I won’t even make a spark.
You’re the only one who’s never seen
The way I can light up in shades of gold and green.
I’m just a little firefly, I want to shine for you but I’m too shy,
So when you come around I hide my light.
But when you go away I shine for you all night.

Out there in the sun, I’d open up for anyone.
You’re the only one who closes me
Because I want to be the brightest thing you’ve ever seen.
I’m just a little dandelion, I want to blossom but I’m scared of trying,
So I hide my head when you come into the room.
But when you go away I come right into bloom.

And I can’t look down, I’m way too high,
And I can’t look up, into your eyes.

Well I never was afraid to sing out loud, in front of anybody, any crowd.
You, you make me lose my nerve
Feel like something more than I could ever deserve.
I’m just a little hummingbird, I want to sing but I can’t find the words,
So when you come around I just go still
But after you move on, when I know you’re gone,
Then I sing for you the way I always will.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled, non-emo, mature 23 year-old posts.

Strange desires

2007-11-02T13:33:00.001-04:00

In the midst of my novelling flurry, I feel strangely compelled to start writing song lyrics.

National Novel Writing Month

2007-10-27T11:20:00.001-04:00

For those who are interested in tracking my progress (and that of Linny Jane) during National Novel Writing Month, feel free to follow along at Writers Untie!. We'll be updating periodically with our noveling successes (and the occasional, inevitable failure).

Should be a good deal of fun. With only five days until writing commences, I have only the vaguest of characters and plots, and absolutely no concept of an outcome. I like to think that this perspective makes my writing more like real life, but it is mostly a reflection of a lack of preparation.

A poem

2007-10-26T10:59:00.000-04:00

Composed in a fit of frustration my sophomore year of college and lately rediscovered. Enjoy!

The Revolt of the Modern Flutist

Play for me no more Shoenberg
Speak of dodecaphonic systems no more.
Pack up your pre-recorded sounds
And get yourself out that door!

Do not tell me to embrace George Crumb
Nor to revere Anton Weber.
For I have endured their compositions
And enjoy listening to neither.

Chide me not about a closed mind
Bid me admire disorder no longer.
Else my heart within me shall not last
And my love of music founder.

So cease the praises of multiphonics
Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Oh, that Boehm never thought of keys
And flutes were still made of wood.

Pile-o-Flutes

2007-10-22T15:30:00.001-04:00

Pile-o-Flutes
Originally uploaded by Islandguy

Found this on Flickr, and was absolutely pleased. :)

Writing, or Wherein I Muse about Not Writing

2007-10-05T11:34:00.001-04:00

I am not writing enough, and it saddens me. :( That must all change very soon, though: National Novel Writing Month is just around the corner, and I'm all registered. (Username: thstlenshmrock, if you want to friend me for the project!)

And I have to write a piece for MindSprocket this month after taking off September due to a complete and utter lack of a decent piece of writing. I'm beginning to hit a brick wall as a writer. I'm finding that I have lots of things to say, but not all of them are things I want to share with a wider audience. I'm also not sure how I want to say other things. So I just feel kind of stuck.

Like most things, though, I recognize that I really need to keep pushing forward even though it's difficult. Maybe by slogging through all the things I have to say that aren't quite fit for public consumption I'll work my way to something worth others' time.

I'm also facing the feeling that even if I have things to say, they really aren't worth other people's time. Too self-evident, too narrow in perspective, too lame. Granted, I'm finally beginning to work through my earliest fear that I really didn't have anything at all to say (and that when people were complimenting me, they were just being nice), but there's still a slight paralysis when I sit down, afraid that if I ever had something worthwhile, it's long gone now.

Honestly, who really wants to read about a 23 year-old's world of language, music, friends, spinning, weaving, reading, and writing? Her struggles with friends, family, finances, transportation, love, her niche in the universe? Her faith, her fear, her light, her darkness? I'm beginning to feel like I'm years away from having a stable perspective to share.

As a writer (and often as a person), I feel fickle and changeable, unstable and unsteady. Immature and unripe, and quite possibly without a valid position to speak from.

I stumbled across some of my writing from high school and early college not long ago when I was sorting through some papers in my closet, and marveled at my unwavering sureness of perspective and opinion. I may not have known everything (though sometimes my early tone suggests otherwise!), but I was positive about what I did know, and I had absolutely no problem letting my readers (read: professors and sometimes peers) know that I was 100% certain that I knew exactly what I thought about a particular thing, and oh, by the by, that my position was the right one. Ha!

I've matured (I hope) a good deal from those days, but I'm having trouble finding an honest voice in my writing that says very level-headedly, "This is my experience and this is what I think. Maybe it's like you and maybe it isn't, but I hope you can take something away from it."

I also have this burning, inexplicable desire to write fiction, which I am terrified of. Quite frankly, with a few notable exceptions, I tend to suck at writing fiction. My characters are entirely too like myself and I starting finding them annoying after a while (hmm . . . ). My plots are very thin and boring because I hesitate to step into my character's darker side, into their struggles--into the things that would make them human and not just the one-dimensional beings out of a nineteenth century morality novel. *cough* Not that I have strong opinions about such works, not I.

I hesitate to give them flaws because I am an idealist and I like things to be nice and tidy. If I'm "inventing" people, I want them to be model people rather than real ones. This, of course, makes them boring at best and utterly intolerable at worst.

In other news, I want to go back here:

It was a gorgeous day about a year ago when Ash and Rowan played along the Potomac, as the fall leaves crunched beneath our feet and the wind sang through the trees in harmony with us...

And yes, that's me sitting down fighting with the extension cords.

Ten Things

2007-09-24T16:28:00.000-04:00

I like memes. Especially when they're stolen from other people. Thanks, Linny Jane!

Ten things that make me laugh:
1. My sister's bad sci-fi stories
2. Lame musical puns
3. Other people laughing
4. My silly, strange friends
5. Witty writing
6. Little children
7. Surprises
8. Animals doing strange things
9. Lame verbal puns
10. Clever people

Ten things that make me cry:
1. Seeing other people upset
2. Crappy, slow databases
3. Disappointing someone I love
4. Not doing something as well as I know I could have
5. Frustration
6. Really amazing music (but they're happy tears)
7. Loneliness
8. Fear
9. Anger
10. Not knowing what to do next

Ten things that bring me joy:
1. Watching my students grasp a new concept
2. Words
3. Sewing with Linny Jane
4. Flute
5. Guitar
6. Collaborative music and writing
7. Dancing
8. Yarn--actually, fiber in general
9. A good conversation
10. Flowers

Ten things that inspire me:
1. Really awesome symphonic music
2. Gorgeous fabric or yarn
3. Fall weather
4. Open spaces
5. Bodies of water--the bigger the better
6. Tea
7. Art
8. Wildflowers
9. A good Irish band
10. Guinness--usually drunk with an Irish band :)

Ten things that confuse me:
1. Passive-aggressive behavior
2. Circular breathing on flute
3. Self-destructive behavior
4. Knitting socks
5. Corporate redundancies
6. The Baltimore mass transit system
7. The D.C. metro
8. My hair
9. Hypocrisy
10. Microsoft

Guitar hero

2007-09-24T11:44:00.000-04:00

My guitar teacher is my hero.

When I told him that I couldn't study regularly with him anymore after this week (Saturday is my last lesson), his first action was to see if there was a way that we could still meet periodically to work through music. So we are on the "catch-as-catch-can" lesson schedule, and I am so happy that I don't have to give up studying completely.

New adventure

2007-09-20T15:11:00.001-04:00

I saw it coming. I was partly prepared for it, but like most things in life, it's still taking me a while to adapt.

I am joining the ranks of the carless.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen! This road warrior queen is giving up her crown in favor of a bike and mass transit. Why, you may ask? Interesting story.

There are a variety of reasons. The most pressing one is that I just got a call from the state inspection station today telling me that my car needs more money put into it than I am willing in order to pass inspection. That seems to make the solution pretty clear. Get rid of the car.

There is also the financial aspect. Freed from the responsibility of owning and maintaining an automobile, I can get a better handle on other aspects of my money. Pay down some debts. ~~Buy a really awesome stereo.~~ ~~Buy some really sweet yarn.~~ Get a new computer so I am not limited to beg/borrow/stealing whatever I can when I have things I need to do. And then, in true vicious cycle fashion, save for a down payment on a new car. Start the whole thing over again. Only this time, hopefully, with a better handle on things than the first time around.

There are a few snags in this fantastic plan. One of them is that I will have to discontinue guitar lessons until I have a way of getting to them again. There is no human way I can bike to Hagerstown. Think about this for a moment. The new guitarist is about to be separated from her cherished lessons. I think I might have to go cry. I am really upset about it, but I see no way around it right now. This just gives me extra incentive to get my stuff pulled together quickly so I can go back to them!

There's another snag. Many of my dearest friends live far away. As in, not within bus/bike/walking distance. In a stroke of good luck, Linny Jane and I happen to share many of the same friends, but we do not always share a common schedule.

I'm really kind of nervous about this, but I know that it is ultimately the smart thing to do.

At least, I really hope so.

A little materialistic, and a little bit earthy

2007-09-20T09:28:00.000-04:00

There have been a few things on my brain lately that I would like to get if circumstances and finances would conspire to allow, but at least some of them (like number 2) are still a ways off.

A bike for city travel/weekend adventures on the NCR.
A dog.
A MacBook.
A spinning wheel.
Really good walking shoes.
Leather boots for winter.
Awesome socks.

I've also been itching to get a few knitting projects on the needles (a long, wrap-around sweater-coat type thing and a shrug) and get a few skirts under the needle (a six-gore in some kind of cranberry microfibre and something in a lovely dark grey wool). Mind you that I haven't actually begun any of these yet. I'm just spending significant amounts of time daydreaming about them. Maybe I'll take my lunch break and wander over to the yarn shop that's supposedly near my office--or at least hit it up after work...

I am so glad that fall is here. Summer in the city was unpleasant at best and unbearable at worst. I really just wanted to crawl into a freezer and stay there for the duration. The past couple of weeks, though, the air has been less thick and much cooler. The breeze in the morning (and after dark) requires a jacket, wrap, or sweatshirt, and I am more than ready to pull these things back out of the closet!

Fall is always an interesting time for me. I feel very alive and awake in the fall in a way I don't in the summer--very creative, very restless (blame the Hungarian gypsy blood for that one!), very eager and aware. At the same time, the decrease in daylight depresses me, and fall can also be a bit of a struggle. Maybe if I give in unquestionably to the muses of creation and wandering, they'll help combat that. ;)

Right now, I'm getting particularly musically excited for Ash & Rowan's October 7th concert at my alma mater. I am flattered that they would invite us to come play and am curious to find out what it will be like to play in a setting so familiar but as something of an "outsider" now. I am really eager to go back home and perform.

Catholic Pop Quiz

2007-09-11T13:28:00.000-04:00

Stolen from a link off Art Smuggler's blog.

1.) Favorite devotion to Jesus:
Stations of the Cross

2.) Favorite Marian prayer:
The Ave Maria

3.) Do you wear a scapular or medal?
Brown Scapular of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, and sometimes either a Miraculous Medal or a St. Benedict that my friend bought me at Monte Casino

4.) Do you have holy water in your home?
On the bookcase

5.) Do you offer up your sufferings?
Sometimes.

6.) Do you go to Adoration?
Pretty much only when I'm really stressed out and need sacred space to just think.

7.) Are you a Vigil Mass person or a Sunday morning person?
Sunday morning, unless significant schedule conflicts demand otherwise.

8.) Do you say prayers at mealtime?
Yes.

9.) Favorite Saints:
Augustine, Catherine of Siena, Clare, Dominic.

10.) Do you observe First Fridays or First Saturdays?
No.

11.) Can you recite the Apostles' Creed by heart?
Yes.

12.) Do you say short prayers during the course of the day?
Sometimes.

13.) When you pass a car wreck or hear a siren, do you say a short prayer?
Sometimes.

Loss

2007-09-06T15:44:00.000-04:00

Requiescat in Pacem, Luciano...

Song of the Moment

2007-09-05T10:15:00.000-04:00

Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come and rest my soul
I dream a highway back to you

John he's kicking out the footlights
The Grand Ole Opry's got a brand new band
Lord, let me die with a hammer in my hand
I dream a highway back to you.

I think I'll move down into Memphis
And thank the hatchet man who forked my tongue
I lie and wait until the wagons come
And dream a highway back to you.

The getaway kicking up cinders
An empty wagon full of rattling bones
Moon in the mirror on a three-hour jones,
I dream a highway back to you.

Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come and rest my soul
I dream a highway back to you.

Which lover are you, Jack of Diamonds?
Now you be Emmylou and I'll be Gram
I send a letter, don't know who I am
I dream a highway back to you.

I'm an indisguisable shade of twilight
Any second now I'm gonna turn myself on
In the blue display of the cool cathode ray
I dream a highway back to you.

I wish you knew me, Jack of Diamonds
Fire-riding, wheeling when I lead em up
Drank whisky with my water, sugar in my tea
My sails in rags with the staggers and the jags
I dream a highway back to you.

Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come molest my soul
I dream a highway back to you.

Now give me some of what you're having
I'll take you as a viper into my head
A knife into my bed, arsenic when I'm fed
I dream a highway back to you.

Hang overhead from all directions
Radiation from the porcelain light
Blind and blistered by the morning white
I dream a highway back to you.

Sunday morning at the diner
Hollywood trembles on the verge of tears
I watched the waitress for a thousand years
Saw a wheel within a wheel, heard a call within a call
I dreamed a highway back to you.

Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come molest my soul
I dream a highway back to you.

Step into the light, poor Lazarus
Don't lie alone behind the window shade
Let me see the mark death made
I dream a highway back to you.
I dream a highway back to you.

What will sustain us through the winter?
Where did last years lessons go?
Walk me out into the rain and snow
I dream a highway back to you.

Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come and bless my soul
I dream a highway back to you

I dream a highway back to you
Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come and bless my soul
I dream a highway back to you.

I Dream a Highway Back to You, by Gillian Welch

New degree?

2007-08-30T15:41:00.001-04:00

Just add this to the list of fields I might end up in, along with flute performance and medieval music: ethnomusicology with a concentration in linguistics.

Zee particular program that has caught my eye.

I've been tossing around the idea of going back to school since before I got out of it the first time around (anyone read this blog my senior year? haha). For a time after I started working, I thought that perhaps I might be content to go my way in the corporate world, making money, making music, and just kind of living the usual existence of 20-somethings. A year later, though, the bug hasn't left, and conversations with friends of late have left me itching even more to return to academia. The goal now is to be back by fall of '09. I'd prefer fall of '08, but if I go into a performance-oriented field, I want that extra year to get ready for auditions.

Ethnomusicology has found its way into the mix because of my interest in American and Irish folk music. Thinking back, this really isn't a new development, per se, because these traditions have been a conscious undercurrent in my musicanship for the past five or six years, and I was introduced to at least American folk by my father when I was really young. (I guess things like that really do stick sometimes!)

I'm just generally fascinated by music, and I really would love to teach and share that with other people. So we shall see where this new curve in the path leads...

We now return you to your regularly scheduled copyediting.

Geekness

2007-08-29T09:49:00.000-04:00

You might be a writing geek if you get really excited when one of the managing editors gifts you with a copy of the in-house style guide.

My morning is off to an awesome start. :)

Wild desire

2007-08-15T11:15:00.000-04:00

I have a wild, inexplicable desire to hop a train to Chicago so that I can be at St. John Cantius this evening for the profession of vows and Palestrina's Assumpta est Maria Mass. I wonder how much a last-minute round trip ticket would be.

The Lonesome Touch

2007-08-15T10:23:00.000-04:00

The quote below is from the liner notes to Martin Hayes and Dennis Cahill's album entitledThe Lonesome Touch. Here, Hayes explains what exactly "the lonesome touch" is. I think it's something all musicians aspire to, but I've never seen it put so succinctly and articulately before.

The Lonesome Touch is a phrase I have heard in my native County Clare all my life. It is used to describe a person's music. It is the intangible aspect of music that is both elusive and essential. The word lonesome expresses a sadness, a blue note, a sour note. Even though the music bares the trace of struggle and of pain, it is also the means of uplift, transcendence to joy and celebration. The lonesome touch is something that is difficult to achieve. One is forced to put the requirements of the music before all personal considerations, to play honestly from the heart with no motive other than the selfless expression of joy and beauty for their own sake. For the most part it remains the unobtainable horizon, the object of inspiration and motivation.

Linkage

2007-08-12T13:43:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Sober Sophomore for pointing me to this page: Paternoster. The (rather-dormant of late, unfortunately) rosary-making geek in me is grinning stupidly.

Books

2007-08-12T13:21:00.000-04:00

I finally decided that I was tired of 1) my room being ridiculous barren and 2) having all of my books buried in my closet in a variety of boxes. I feel better when I'm surrounded by books. They are comforting on some level, maybe because I can't remember a time in my life when my living space wasn't overflowing with them. They are welcoming and familiar.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the result of this afternoon's endeavor.

On Being Catholic

2007-08-10T12:05:00.000-04:00

Mine are the heavens and mine is the earth; mine are the people, the righteous are mine and mine are the sinner. The angels are mine and the Mother of God, and all things are mine, and God himself is mine and for me, for Christ is mine and all for me. What, then, dost thou ask for and seek my soul? Thine is all this, and it is all for thee. ~St. John of the Cross

For the woman who wants one simple thing out of life (absolutely everything), this rings true on so many levels.

Stolen from a friend

2007-08-01T10:32:00.000-04:00

Because that's about all I do lately. This was in a friend's profile, and I wanted to share.

"We have to accept the fact that love weaves itself into our fate. If fate does not split the love, people win their victory, But nothing else besides -- and nothing above, either. These are the limits of man. Love is a constant challenge, thrown to us by God, Thrown, I think, so that we should challenge fate."
-- The Jeweler's Shop

St. Anne

2007-07-26T10:42:00.000-04:00

'Tis the feast of St. Anne, and I would be remiss if I did not post a thanksgiving for her guidance and protection in my life and beg her continued watchfulness over me and all those dear to me.

Sancta Anna, ora pro nobis.

Time

2007-07-18T10:56:00.000-04:00

Inspired by LinnyJane's post on the subject.

It is a strange thing to go from having no time to having 'excess' time to fill.

My current favorite pastime is staring into space, followed closely by compulsively practicing guitar. The former needs to go, but the latter isn't bad at all. I now have the luxury of practicing an hour and a half to two hours a day, and I feel like it's paying off. I'm improving so quickly, and even my teacher is pleased with the progress.

I'm not playing flute quite as much because I really need new music. I started a list of pieces I want to buy and work on but the budget hasn't allowed for that just yet. Soon, I hope.

I am trying to convince myself that it's also okay to do things like knit and spin again now that I have time, but I always have the sneaking feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something else that I can't remember.

I suppose all this is to be expected with the upheaval of starting a new life. :)

Books

2007-07-12T12:02:00.001-04:00

I would like to take this moment to say that I love having a job that requires spending massive amounts of authorized time surfing Amazon.com.

Meme time!

2007-07-11T10:19:00.000-04:00

Stolen from a friend of a friend:

Were you named after anyone?
Great-Grandma Anna (on Mom's side) and Great-Grandma Clare (on Dad's side). It helps that my parents were also fond of the saints my grannies took their names from.

When was the last time you cried?
Watching Bridge to Terebithia on Friday. I bawled my eyes out.

Favorite lunch meat?
Roast beef. Mmm.

Do you have kids?
No, though I had many flute/clarinet students that I referred to as such.

If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?
Probably. I like to think I'm moderately interesting and fun.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Who, me? Heh.

Do you have your tonsils?
Yes.

Would you bungee jump?
My flute professor in college tried to get me to go one time with her, but I didn't. I don't know; I might.

Favorite cereal?
I really like Special K with strawberries. Don't laugh!

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Usually.

What is your favorite ice cream?
Mint chocolate chip or just plain French vanilla.

What do you first notice about people?
Usually eyes and smile. Both reveal so much.

Red or pink?
Red.

What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
My remarkable procrastination that screws me over more than I like to admit.

What is the last thing you ate?
Poppy seed bagel with cream cheese.

What colors are you wearing?
Black and grey-black (it's a weird weave on my skirt).

What are you listening to right now?
Cube neighbors typing and clicking.

What is your favorite smell?
Anything that's cooking or baking, really. And lilacs.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
Edward!

Favorite sport to watch?
Soccer, but only when I know the people playing it.

Hair color?
Brown with red and gold lights in it. Also, there's some blue-green near the end leftover from when I hennaed my hair black in the fall. The dye had indigo (blackish blue!) in it, which attached to some of my lighter hair and has remained there in all its punkadelic glory. It's not usually too bad, but in the right light it's really obvious.

Eye color?
Blue-green-grey.

Do you wear contacts?
No. Aren't people with glasses supposed to look scholarly or writerly?

Scary movie or happy ending?
I'll probably mock the happy ending, but I'd rather watch cliche movies than scary ones.

Favorite food?
I really love fruit. Not kidding.

Last movie you saw in a theater?
I think it was "Night at the Museum" on New Year's Day. Not a big movie-goer.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Black.

Summer or winter?
Winter.

Hugs or kisses?
Hugs. Hands down the most awesome thing.

Favorite dessert?
Whatever is in front of me, heh.

What are you reading?
The Zombie Survival Guide, Decadent Enchantments, Kite Runner, and The Creative License.

What is on your mousepad?
It says "Housing Authority of Baltimore City." I inherited it from the last person who had this desk.

What did you watch on TV last night?
I didn't. I took my guitar to the bluegrass shop and found out that there's a heck of a lot more wrong with it than I imagined. Maybe I should have watched TV instead.

Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Beatles.

Farthest you've ever been from home?
Wisconsin

Where were you born?
Baltimore, actually.

Motu Proprio!

2007-07-09T13:16:00.000-04:00

I have not followed the evolution of the evolution of the most recent Motu Proprio as closely as some of my fellow bloggers have, but not wanting to be left out, I have to post and say that it gives my heart and spirit much cause for hope for the future of the Tridentine liturgy. Where precisely it will lead, I'll leave to others to predict. I think that only time will tell, but I am certain that, among other things, the public acknowledgment that this missal was never abrogated is an important step towards a healing of the Western Rite.

Laudamus te. Benedicimus te. Adoramus te. Glorificamus te.

Shamelessly stolen from a friend

2007-06-28T16:02:00.001-04:00

Because its so true.

Piano-teaching friend: Why don't we just make robots play the music? What would be missing from music without humans?
Student: The love?

At last?

2007-06-28T14:26:00.000-04:00

Sober Sophomore, what a lovely birthday present this announcement makes!!

A meeting took place yesterday afternoon at the Vatican, presided by the Cardinal Secretary of State, in which the content and the spirit of the expected "Motu proprio" of the Holy Father on the use of the Missal promulgated by John XXIII in 1962 were explained to the representatives of several episcopal conferences. The Holy Father came to greet those who were present and maintained a profound discussion with them for about one hour. The publication of the document - which will be accompanied by a thorough personal letter of the Holy Father to the singular Bishops - is predicted for within a few days, when the document itself will be sent to all Bishops with the indication of its successive coming into effect.

Hat tip to Rorate Caeli for the translation and to Credidimus Caritati for alerting me to this!

The original Italian text can be found here.

Ethereal amusement

2007-06-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

St. Anthony has long been the favorite saint and patron of my family. We run to him as a group and as individuals in times of sorrow, joy, desperation, hope, fear, desire, and just about everything else.

It was no surprise to me, then, that after weeks of lighting candles at his beloved shrine at St. Alphonsus--petitioning for things to work out for me to move closer to my new place of work--I found myself writing a check for a security deposit on a new place yesterday, on his most glorious feast!

Thanks, Anthony. :)

Short

2007-06-12T09:50:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the weirdest things trigger unexpected reveries, both of the pleasant and unpleasant varieties.

A haiku--and MindSprocket

2007-06-10T21:04:00.000-04:00

I was trying to write an absurb haiku for the Drabblecast haiku poetry contest, and instead came up with the following, which is almost good.

Innocent ink pen

Pulses with potential lines

Full of joy and pain.

Why don't poems like that ever come on purpose?

In other news, MindSprocket issue #7 is out, featuring my first published fiction piece, an excerpt from the infamous novel/short story I worked on back in September when Linny Jane and I declared an early arrival of National Novel Writing Month. I'm really curious to know how people reacted to this piece, so if you have any feedback--good or ill--please comment here or fire off a message to magazine@mindsprocket.com.

For all you fans of 24

2007-06-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

Kiefer Sutherland has a recording studio?? I heard Rocco DeLuca and the Burden on the radio this morning, and I have to say, I think I like his taste in indie rock. ;)

Unexpected Theology

2007-06-04T15:07:00.001-04:00

Being a fan of a good Black and Tan and of cleverly articulated theology, I loved this old-but-new-to-me post from Alive and Young.

Writing

2007-06-03T22:23:00.000-04:00

Lessons I've Learned from This Month's MindSprocket Piece:

I like to make fun of people who say that writing is akin to a mystical process. I like believe that writing is more a question of discipline than inspiration. Maybe most of the time that's true, but sometimes, all the discipline in the world won't save you without that spark of inspiration to make your story work. I poured so much time and thought into the first piece I was working on, but for some reason, I just couldn't become engaged with the characters or what they were doing.

In a last ditch effort to meet deadline, I loaded up my CD player with my favorite Irish/folk music and locked myself away with my sister's obsolete laptop. (If you can't even connect to the internet, resisting the tempatation to use it is much easier, ha.) And then I just started writing. The music wove its way in and out of my consciousness and then in and out of my story. I think it's going to be a great piece when it's revised. I'm actually excited about my characters and their lives this time, and I care about what happens to them.

Oh, and I've learned that writing good fiction is even harder than I initially thought it was. But now that I've got something cooking, I'm curious to see what else I can do. ;)

And in other news, happy Trinity Sunday. :)

New job report!

2007-05-24T11:30:00.001-04:00

I'm now four days into my new position as an editorial assistant to an acquisitions editor for a publisher in Baltimore, and I must say, I think I'm going to like it here. My boss is a fantastic man who is witty, capable, and independent. He expects nothing less from his assistant, and I am thrilled to be in a position where my best efforts are continually expected. It's so much easier to give 100% in an environment where it actually makes an impact than it is somewhere that half-assed is good enough.

I've already been pegged as "the creative one," a role I am quite happy to fulfill. :) Yes, I'm a musician and writer. How may I help you today? I'm trying to take the creative energy that I pour into those things and find ways of channeling it into things like problem-solving and spreadsheet interpretation. So far, I'm enjoying it. I didn't take this job expecting it to fill a role that music and writing do. I took this job because it seemed like something I could be good at and engaged in. Now I'm trying to see if the things that music and writing have taught me can be applied in other contexts. I'm willing to believe the answer is yes. And practicing creativity in the mundane makes it flow more freely in the sublime, or so I argued in an article once.

The act of getting to and from work seems worth mentioning, as it is now between a three- and four-hour process, depending on the day. I have lately discovered the joy of mass transportation, so my commute is now 45 minutes to an hour on the highway followed by the same on the LightRail, both coming and going from the office. The LightRail lengthens the commute but is cheaper than parking and gas, not to mention being much less stress-inducing than the JFX during rush hour! It's also nice to be able to read, write, study music, listen to the iPod, or just plain zone out. That seems to be making a big difference in my mental health. Although it's a long haul, I'm in much better spirits than I recall being in for some time.

I've gotten into some interesting discussions sparked by this new position. When you take a standard corporate dayjob, what does it do to you as an artist? Is it wrong to achieve some level of compromise with your needs and your wants? If you feel that the thing you think you most want wouldn't be practical to pursue, is it wrong to put that dream on the back burner? To relegate it to the bin of beautiful but unattainable things? My personal plague right now is, how do you know what you really want? Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by various sets of expectations and ideologies that I feel that I can no longer dissect what is mine from what is everyone else's, in the sense that I don't know what I've been talked into and what I truly desire. I don't feel like I can honestly answer the question, "Who are you?" very well anymore.

It's not so much a crisis as a state of fuzziness, arising from the simultaneous need to be "acceptable" and to stand out at the same time.

You might be an instrumentalist if...

2007-05-14T11:50:00.001-04:00

You listen to a recording of lutenist Julian Bream and tenor Sir Peter Pears and come to the conclusion that the tenor ruined a perfectly good album of Elizabethan lute music.

Shocking . . . er, not really

2007-05-07T09:22:00.000-04:00

You scored as Traditional Catholic. You look at the great piety and holiness of the Church before the Second Vatican Council and the decay of belief and practice since then, and see that much of the decline is due to failed reforms based on the "Spirit of the Council". You regret the loss of vast numbers of Religious and Ordained clergy and the widely diverging celebrations of the Mass of Pope Paul VI, which often don't even seem to be Catholic anymore. You are helping to rebuild this past culture in one of the many new Traditional Latin Mass communities or attend Eastern Catholic Divine Liturgy. You seek refuge from the world of pornography, recreational drugs, violence, and materialism. You are an articulate, confident, committed, and intelligent Catholic.

But do you support legitimate reform of the Church, and are you willing to submit to the directives of the Second Vatican Council? Will you cooperate responsibly with others who are not part of the Traditional community?

http://saint-louis.blogspot.com - Rome of the West

Traditional Catholic

95%

Neo-Conservative Catholic

60%

Radical Catholic

38%

New Catholic

38%

Evangelical Catholic

Lukewarm Catholic

Liberal Catholic

What is your style of American Catholicism?
created with QuizFarm.com

Does this bother anyone else?

2007-05-03T11:50:00.000-04:00

Apparently, the Brits are seeing what they can do in the way of monitoring every car on the road.

Surprise

2007-05-03T11:44:00.000-04:00

One minute you're a proofreader at one company, and the next, you're an editorial assistant to the senior acquisitions editor at another!

Thank you, Lord.

Why I Hate Top 40 Radio

2007-04-27T10:36:00.000-04:00

The ladies in the front office have their radio on loud enough to for the rest of the office to hear, and I have heard the same song twice in two hours. It might not be so bad if they didn't also play it at least three times yesterday.

I am beginning to lose appreciation for Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats."

Developments

2007-04-26T15:13:00.000-04:00

Dear readers, keep your fingers crossed and your prayers ascending: I interviewed in Baltimore today for a position with a medical publishing firm and did well enough that they want me back next week for (hopefully) the final round of interviews.

So medical publishing: would that fall under the patron saint of physicians or of writers? Or maybe St. Luke, who was a physician and a writer. ;)

Cool new blog

2007-04-25T09:27:00.000-04:00

It's been around for a while, but it's new to me: Argent by the Tiber.

More Yorkisms

2007-04-17T15:32:00.001-04:00

More Yorkisms
Originally uploaded by thstlenshmrock.

I discovered this on the back of the local phone book today. What exactly is a "fall down injury"?

Fridays at the Steno

2007-04-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

Lacking much better to do, my officemate and I took up art:

Lacking much better to do, I likewise watched a teeney former cheerleader do random tumbling exercises down the hallway. I also watched a fellow, male, 30-something proofreader attempt a cartwheel down the hallway. Alas, there is no photo evidence for these events, but rest assured that they were visually compelling.

Oh, my.

Ignored

2007-04-13T10:03:00.000-04:00

Or, what happened to Joshua Bell when he played at L'Enfant Plaza in D.C.

Truly saddening.

A thought. Not necessarily original.

2007-04-10T15:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if stealing chunks of other people's blogs and using them as writing prompts illustrates technological and pop culture saavy or a sad lack of originality, but when I saw Linny Jane wrote this, I had to swipe and expound on it:

I have so many obligations, and yet it feels as though I accomplish nothing.
Not sure what it's going to take for that to change. I can't imagine living life any other way. I'm scared I'd get bored or something. But maybe being bored isn't such a bad thing.

I run, unapologetically and freely chosen, all over the fair earth every week for a variety of reasons. I work full-time five days a week, teach three hours a night three days a week, take guitar lessons in an obscure corner of western Maryland on Saturdays, and often drive to Baltimore Sunday mornings for Mass. Friday or Saturday nights, I'm usually out with friends, most commonly of the "nowhere near where I live" variety. And if I'm not out for the heck of it, I'm performing somewhere.

I hate and love living like this. I hate feeling like I'm always running somewhere, to dubious benefit or value. I hate that I am stressed more often than not. I hate that I never have time to read or spin yarn or make rosaries or cook elaborately.

But I love going places. I love seeing people and things and accumulating new life experiences. I love the dangerous, precarious, beautiful life of a music teacher and performer. I love exploring. I love knowing that there is always something waiting for me to do.

I'm currently working on consolidating some of my life into one area, i.e., trying to relocate and find a job that will enable me to work 9 to 5 and then just go home. But I know that as soon as I've begun to settle in, I'll just start finding new ways of filling up my time. ;) Maybe I'll finally be able to practice both flute and guitar every night. ;)

MindSprocket Issue #5

2007-04-03T11:06:00.000-04:00

If you haven't already, I highly recommend checking out MindSprocket's April issue, featuring the literary stylings of Edward Atkinson and myself and introducing the fine work of Jacqueline Johnson to readers.

All three pieces are brilliantly illustrated by the talented Anatole Upart.

Definitely a good read.

--Anatole's link corrected 4/4.

Grammar nerds, unite!

2007-03-28T23:01:00.000-04:00

For those who haven't done so yet, save the apostrophe.

Happy spring!

2007-03-21T10:49:00.001-04:00

DSCN2547
Originally uploaded by squirtt7.

It's the Vernal Equinox. Go listen to some Vivaldi and celebrate!!

Photo courtesy of Linny Jane, from a trip we took to Carlisle last May.

More shameless plugs

2007-03-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

Except these are self-promoting.

Mind Sprocket Issue #4 is up, featuring an article by me on promoting creativity and one by Linny Jane on modern use and abuse of the English language.

And if you're going to be in the Baltimore area to celebrate St. Patty's Day, do check out Ash and Rowan's performance schedule. We'll be appearing twice that day, to delight and entertain.

Shameless plug

2007-03-01T16:50:00.000-05:00

Do check out the latest addition to my links section: Tidal Art. This kid's got some talent!

Flute (and guitar)

2007-02-28T12:12:00.000-05:00

I was listening to Dvorak's 8th Symphony in G Major at work this morning--the first large scale symphonic work I played as a 14-year-old flutist way back in January of 1999. I have vivid memories of checking a recording out of our local public library and playing it almost non-stop for six weeks while I struggled to learn the second flute part to it.

It made me think that I really need to get back in some kind of large ensemble.

On the other end of the spectrum, I am absolutely in love with guitar.

Such a musician.

Facing the Music

2007-02-27T12:07:00.000-05:00

Finally, a year after my degree recital, I gathered the courage to go back and listen to the one sonata I haven't been able to face since that performance: Prokoviev's D Major. It came up my iPod while I was at work last week, and having an entire half hour to devote to thie sonata, I decided I could finally brave this piece.

Prok's D Major should have been the crown jewel of my program, but it was nowhere near where I wanted it to be for my recital. Even immediately after the recital, as everyone was offering their congratulations, I couldn't help but feel disappointed in my performance. The tempo was sketchy at best, my runs were sloppy, etc.

Unsurprisingly, a year later, the edges of that memory have blurred even with the aid of a recording. I was not as bad as I remembered, although there were definitely some unpleasant surprises.

I laugh to hear how tired I sound after just an hour of playing when these days, my most common gigs are four hours and involve switching between three related-but-different instruments. By the last half hour, I'm about ready to pack it all in, but I'm still sounding pretty good.

Funny how perspective shifts like that.

I started thinking about how many times in this past year I've tried to close the door on classical music. (The number of times I've done it in my thirteen years as a flutist is staggering and quite possibly should have been taken into consideration before I chose to get a degree in it.) The memory, even if inaccurate, of the Prokoviev had something to do with it, I'm sure. But then, I landed a job as a studio teacher. When I tried to quit flute entirely, Ash and Rowan found me.

Every time I try to walk away from classical music, something comes up like Center Stage Opera or Creative Access or even a friend asking to play a duet. Sure, I could decline--but somehow I can't bring myself to say no. I don't want to say no to Falstaff or Villa Lobos or Beethoven, Dvorak or Hindemith. I don't even want to say no to concert black or late rehearsals or instability.

Well, I wouldn't mind saying no to instability.

What I do want to say no to is the stigma of snobbishness, condescension, angst, melancholy, seclusion. That's not what this music is about. That this music is frequently associated with suits and pearls doesn't mean that it doesn't belong just as much to the jeans-and-t-shirt crowd. It's not about all the ceremony and intrigue surrounding the music. It's about making sense out of the world around us. It's about celebrating and lamenting, laughing and crying. It's about the earthy and the heavenly.

And that is why we play it.

Definitely worth discussing

2007-02-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

I know I might be opening up a can of worms for some readers, but I have to say that I share many of the sentiments of Holy Whapping's post on the attitudes of many Trads. I can say that I've been in the "movement" for about ten years now in various stages, and the "time capsule" attitude I've run into in some communities has something that has always struck me as something at best not quite healthy and at worst, downright counterproductive.

I willingly admit that I know many Trads who do not feel this way, i.e. recognizing that this liturgy is an organic part of a living, breathing tradition rather than simply a fossilized presentation of an ancient ritual.

It is my firm belief that the future of the Church needs a hefty infusion of the theology of this historied liturgy mixed with a recognition that the Church is not a stagnant organization but rather the unfolding of God's Will in time.

I find myself in an awkward position with many of my Catholic peers, most especially in my mid-twenties age bracket. I have a firm attachment to and love for the Tridentine liturgy with its clarity of theology and decidedly vertical worship. At the same time, I believe that the survivalist, elistist mentality that this is the only "true" expression of Catholicism is dangerous. Either we accept that the Holy Ghost is guiding the Magesterium or we don't. Either the pope's ex cathedra is infallible or it isn't. Either Christ is faithful to His promise to never allow the gates of hell to prevail against the Church, or He isn't. There is a very real potential for the death of charity if Trads become convinced that they are the only gatekeepers of doctrine.

Something to wrestle with . . .

I'd be very interested to hear any thoughts on this.

Fifty Things I Love to Do

2007-02-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

I stumbled across this writing prompt on the internet: list fifty things that you love to do. I thought that this could offer an insightful and amusing look at my life. Here's the result, in no particular order.

Fifty Things I Love to Do
1. Play flute
2. Play guitar
3. Perform at Maggie Moore's pub
4. Sing anything and everything
5. Dance
6. Look at the stars
7. Quilt
8. Knit
9. Cook with friends
10. Drive
11. Teach anything, particularly music
12. Have deep conversations
13. Have trivial conversations
14. Stay up until all hours
15. Go to Mass with friends (a rare treat)
16. Drink tea
17. Drink coffee
18. Drink beer
19. Catch up with old friends
20. Write
21. Edit
22. Take pictures
23. Discover new music
24. Organize my bedroom
25. Learn new things
26. Read
27. Visit the Perpetual Adoration chapel
28. Walk in the snow
29. Gaze at the ocean
30. Write letters
31. Laugh
32. Play with animals
33. Go for walks
34. Jog
35. Listen to music
36. Be outside
37. Smile
38. Find jeans that fit
39. Make things with my hands
40. Sit in the sun
41. Watch the rain
42. Sleep
43. Play music with other people
44. Observe other people
45. Daydream
46. Dress up
47. Play in the dirt (i.e., try to garden)
48. Sit around with friends
49. Tell stories
50. Attempt visual art

Concerning love

2007-02-06T16:04:00.000-05:00

No, no deep treatises here. For that, you'll have to visit Richard or perhaps read Linny Jane's thoughts on the Zales diamond commercial, both of which made me think. What is the best tribute to love?

My current vote, unsurprisingly, goes to a song. A particular song, Andy Stewart's "Queen of Argyll," which has one of the loveliest tributes to feminine beauty and grace ever written.

Gentlemen it is my duty to inform you of one beauty
Though I'd ask you of a favor, no to seek her for awhile
Though I own she is a creature of character and feature
No words can paint the picture of the Queen of all Argyll

And if you could have seen her there, boys if you had just been there
The swan was in her movement, and the morning in her smile
All the roses in the garden, they bow and ask her pardon
For not one could match the beauty of the queen of all Argyll

On that evening that I mention, I passed with light intention
Through a part of our dear country known for beauty and for style
Bein' a place of noble thinkers, of scholars and great drinkers
But above them all for splendour shone the Queen of all Argyll

And if you could have seen her there, boys if you had just been there
The swan was in her movement, and the morning in her smile
All the roses in the garden, they bow and ask her pardon
For not one could match the beauty of the queen of all Argyll

So my lads my needs must leave you, my intention no to grieve you
Nor indeed would I decieve you, oh I'll see you in awhile
I must find some way to gain her, to court her and to tame her I
fear my heart's in danger from the Queen of all Argyll

And if you could have seen her there, boys if you had just been there
The swan was in her movement, and the morning in her smile
All the roses in the garden, they bow and ask her pardon
For not one could match the beauty of the queen of all Argyll

High praise indeed. That is one song that no matter how many times I hear it, it just never gets old. (Good thing, considering it is one of Ash and Rowan's standards.)

A diamond might be forever, but the evanescence of a song makes it even more priceless.

Concerto excitement

2007-02-06T09:58:00.000-05:00

I, as a lover of flute and of Tchaikovsky, am absolutely thrilled to read of the premiere of his long-lost and lately reconstructed flute concerto.

I need to get my hands on a copy of that performance if at all possible--along with a copy of the music.

Inspired

2007-01-21T22:05:00.000-05:00

We were graced with the first snowfall of the season today. It is lovely and treacherous.

I was inspired by Jenn's tale of how she found what she wanted and thought that articulating some of my goals might help me reach a similar state.

I want to go to grad school for technical/professional writing. I don't want my day job to define me, but I do want it to be something I enjoy that challenges and engages me. Writing is a prime candidate for such a career. The level at which I would like to pursue this seems to point to a graduate degree, unless I can land a fabulous job without it; in that case, I'd land the job and then get them to finance my desire for an advanced degree. And then perhaps some day, I'll make enough money from said dayjob to go get an advanced degree in music.

I would like to live somewhere between Baltimore, Washington, and Frederick, and not only because I have friends in this region (though that admittedly doesn't hurt). The writing market is strong there, and the folk/classical/liturgical music communities are thriving.

I would like to pick up formal flute study again, even if I'm not working on an advanced degree. I'd like to continue developing my music career as I develop my writing one. I would like to teach flute and kin instruments but drop clarinet. I would want to teach one night a week instead of three so that I could practice/perform more.

I want to become a decent guitarist and maybe pick up other fretted instruments. I have no idea how, when, or where I developed an obsession with said instruments.

I want to be financially savvy, saving and investing with the best of them, living comfortably but not extravagently.

I want an apartment, a space of my own that I can come home to after the work is done and the music is played--a place where I can gather friends and family in for an evening.

I want to carve out the kind of life that I would be happy to share with a husband and children but that I wouldn't mind keeping for myself if that's what God asks.

The encouraging news is that I'm making headway on a good many of these goals, even if it is only in baby steps.

Just a girl and her music--with a day job

2007-01-14T19:17:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've considered something significant, so here is your much-missed deeper side of Good Excuse to Wear a Veil. ;)

I am absolutely in love with my position with York Steno. I love bringing documents in line with style guides and the rules of general good usage. I can think of no better outlet for my inner anal retentive grammarian to come out and play--and even get paid for doing it! At this point in my life, I can imagine no more perfect place of work for myself.

Shockingly, sitting at a desk all day did not cause all knowledge of music to leak out of my brain (my secret fear about getting a day job). I have found that entering the wide world of full-time work has done wonders for making me a more productive writer and musician. I am producing content and editing with a clarity and speed I have not seen in a long time. I am practicing more and more regularly than I have in a good while (not excluding my final semester of college, sadly).

Interestingly, though, having such concentrated time with my flute has thrown into very sharp relief the fact that my flute and I have some "issues" that need to be sorted out. Where is our place in the world? Clearly, it is the instrument I am best at. I 've been playing it for thirteen years and got a degree in it. I should hope I've picked up a thing or two along the way. But things no longer "fit" quite as easily with flute as they once did. In high school, it was terribly simple: I couldn't be in a band, so I found my way to orchestra. I fell in love with it, and with piccolo. College didn't offer many opportunities in the realm of orchestra, but I was principal in the wind ensemble and played in several excellent small ensembles.

That said, I really don't have a consistent classical performance outlet anymore. I do miss it. I miss being up to my eyebrows in classical music. I miss the immersion, the nobility, the beauty. Maybe I just need some new music. I have my eye on Pizzolla's Tango Etudes for unaccompanied flute. Maybe I just need to pick up my music for Lucia di Lammermore, which I'm playing in March with Center Stage Harrisburg.

At the same time, I've found a new, perhaps better-fitting, home in folk music. It's very earthy. I like that. Picking up my wooden flute is like putting on a new personality: the half of me that is in touch with the land and the people who make their lives by it. I feel like I've found a new niche in the folk, particularly Celtic, communities.

At the same time, it feels a little strange to be straddling these two worlds that, although similar, are usually so widely split. Let's admit it: everyone knows how stuck up the classical community is known for being. How cut-throat, how back-biting. But it conveys some of the deepest and most noble sentiments of mankind. It has a undeniable universality and beauty to it.

Folk music, on the other hand, has a level of personalization and intensity that I love. I feel connected to a glorious heritage that really belongs to all humanity, not just those wealthy enough to afford Beethoven. It really is the music of the people. The joy, the sorrow, the pain, the beauty of just being alive. I can relate to that with less of a stretch than I can to some of the ideas and stories in the great classical music.

To complicate things further, I am currently searching for a guitar teacher, so that I can explore another side of folk music--and in theory, vastly open up the role that I can play within that community.

Let's not even get into liturgical music. I currently have no connection with that beyond a great love and desire to reconnect with it as soon as an opportunity presents itself. That will just have to be in time, as God sees fit.

I wonder if I will continue to straddle so many worlds, or if I will ultimately pick one and abandon the others. The thought of such a choice saddens and frightens me. They are all beautiful and noble in their own way. How can I pick?

The better question, perhaps, is do I really need to? At the end of the day, isn't it all music?

The new year begins!

2007-01-02T22:59:00.001-05:00

New Year's Eve 2006/2007. Three days. Two girls. One mission.

Linny Jane and I threw quite possibly the best party ever on New Year's Eve/New Year's wee hours. Having decided on the Thursday before that it would be fun to have a party and realizing we didn't know what any of our friends were doing, we took it upon ourselves to invite everyone we could think of to Linny's abode for some rolicking good times. And indeed we had a bloody awesome party, with much food eating, piano playing, noise making, movie watching, video game playing, chatting, musing, reminiscing, and hoping. Couldn't have wished for a better crew (or a better time!) for celebrating the promise of 2007.

There was decorating.

There was eating.

There was chilling.

And of course, there was partying!

The new year also brought me a new job, which I started today. It's probably not a good idea to gauge a job by the first day, but I still got a really good feeling. Our building is located in lovely downtown, right next to the Strand Capitol Theatre. I can walk past it on my way from the parking garage if I am thus inspired. I am not even a block away from an organic cafe, and I'm ten minutes from my favorite coffee shop.

Oh, the job itself? Well, I get to work in an office that has a (probably non-functional) fireplace!! I get my own desk and my own closet. Whee! Employees are not only permitted by encouraged to bring pictures, posters, etc. to personalize their space. The proofreading work is tedious, but I do rather enjoy furthering good usage throughout the world. I think it will be a good thing for me for right now. Besides, who knows where this may lead?

To celebrate this fantastic new job I bought myself a present: new guitar strings. D'Addario 80/20 bronze. It took me an hour after I got home from work and teaching to restring my guitar, but it is done. Why? So that hopefully long about March, I can start taking some lessons--something I've wanted to do since I was at least twelve. I've started teaching myself some VERY basic chords, mostly so I can accompany myself while I'm trying to learn a few new Irish songs, but I really want to learn to play at least modestly. Why not?

2006-12-24T15:28:00.000-05:00

Since I've been feeling restrospective and went strolling through blogs belonging to friends of friends, I thought I'd post this (stolen from a friend of Sober Sophomore). I present, for your reading pleasure, my year in review according to the first sentence of each month on this blog.

January: Well, since Anchorite tagged me, how can I refuse? [Followed by six weird things about me]

February: As I was cruising the blogrings during my afternoon rehearsal break, I wandered across these in the Sober Sophomore's blog. [Encouraging quotes from St. Francis de Sales]

March: I think that tomorrow I will be making ventures into soup making for the first time, with either "St. Basil's Soup" or "Soupe Sainte Scholastique."

April: As usual, it's been forever since I've posted here. [Followed by, "I've been up to various, sundry things, like history projects, final concerts, and job searching."]

May: One of the many reasons why I thoroughly enjoyed Renaissance and Reformation History with Dr. Wessley this semester!

June: I'm continuing my life as a liturgical musician as . . . periodic organist/player of ghastly electric pianos if I can't learn organ in time (so I will learn in time!) for a local monastery.

July: Yes, unless my calendar deceives me, I haven't written in here for a month. [Followed by, "The organ gig that I was so enthused and stressed about turned out rather underwhelming in the end."]

August: The one and only Mudcat Cafe.

September: The "real world" has caught up with me at last!

October: Congratulations are in order for Linny Jane on the completion of her novel!!

November: Can anybody get me up to speed on the latest about the universal indult I'm hearing whispers of?

December: It is the winter solstice: the darkest day of the year.

Interesting.

Ch-ch-changes.

2006-12-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's interview went very well. So well, in fact, that I am the newest proofreader at York Stenographic Services and am slated to begin my new position on January 2nd. They had origingally hoped to start me next week, but the higher-ups seemed less than excited about hiring someone three days before the end of the year. Can't think why. ;)

I'm quite excited! To finally be full-timed employed in one of my fields is a hard-won dream. It took long enough, for crying out loud, and I endured a few months of extremely hard times emotionally, spiritually, and financially before arriving here. And I am so thankful to have finally made it to this place. I cannot wait to see what comes next, once I actually begin working.

Most of my dreams are rather plebian: pay down some debt, get a computer, visit the eye doctor (after entirely too long time away), save some money, get my own place. Some are less earthy: find my place in the world, carve out a niche for myself, live a full and generous life once I can meet my own very "bleh" financial obligiations.

I must confess, to my shame, that while I am thrilled and thankful, I am also a little bit afraid. I am afraid that when I am consumed day in and day out with making money so I can make a comfortable life, I'll lose my dreams and my drive, my restlessness that pushes me to seek beyond the surface. I'll fall into a routine of work and teaching and have no real time left for amusement or enjoyment. I'm afraid I'll be consumed by my dayjob and forget how to be a musician. Seriously. I'm afraid I'll forget how to look at the world around me and be awed by it.

But I am thankful for this opportunity and plan to seize it with both hands and just take life a day at a time. That's all any of us can ever do, really . . .

Happy Solstice

2006-12-21T21:43:00.000-05:00

It is the winter solstice: the darkest day of the year. I never looked at it that way, though. I always saw it marking the beginning of days lengthening again, a kind of pre-herald of hope.

This year, it is also one of the brightest days I've had in a while, as far as good news goes. I have an interview tomorrow with a local stenography firm for a full-time proofreader position! They sound almost already decided on hiring me, making tomorrow's meeting the final thing to "seal the deal," if you will. I'm so incredibly hopeful that everything will go well. This would be the answer to many prayers, from many people.

Please, Lord . . .

Starin' down the Stars

2006-11-16T22:18:00.000-05:00

Starin' down the stars,
Jealous of the moon,
You wish you could fly.
But you're stayin' where you are,
'Cause there's nothin' you can do,
When you're too scared to try.

I got to the point of utterly overwhelmed this evening, and stretched out on my porch to just stare at the stars for a while. Between jobs and cars and goals and dreams and life and love and all such things, my life is hardly what I thought it would be six months after graduating from college.

I have been carless for three weeks now. That MUST change tomorrow, as my family's gracious loan of their spare car ends Monday. Fortunately, I have been shopping around, and tomorrow is merely the finalizing of a purchase. I can't get the car I really want/need (a cute, boring little sedan) and have to get a little sporty number instead because (ironically) it's the only thing I can get financed.

I'm mostly unemployed currently. I do not regret quitting the newspaper, but my income is now half what it was because I'm just teaching--enough to get by, but not enough to improve my circumstances. (And not enough to get my flute repaired, which it desperately needs right now.)

My professors never told me it would be this hard. My family must have at some point, but I didn't retain it. I feel like every time I begin to make a little progress in my life, something comes along and pulls the rug out from under me.

But then tonight I looked at the stars. Really looked at them for the first time in a long time. And I thought that if God could not only create the stars but keep them in their place in the sky, then He could clearly take care of me and my sometimes messy existence.

It also made me think that if He took the trouble to adorn the sky in such fashion, then He must have some pity for a flutist and a writer who just wants to give a little fleeting beauty to the world...

Why I Love Moleskines

2006-11-11T09:57:00.000-05:00

The proud owner of a moleskine for a couple months now, I had to share what this notebook has done to me.

It's turned me into "that" girl. The one who's frequently a little lost in thought, a little distracted from the conversation, who's processing things on a different level. The one forever whipping out her sleek black book to record some great line she heard or some trivial thought that hit her. The one who doodles aimlessly but amusedly.

This notebook has gotten me drawing again. I loved art as a kid but was discouraged from it by art teachers who thought I had no "talent" (my early flute teachers had the same attitude--thank God I didn't listen to them!). Now I've decided that it really doesn't matter if I'm a fabulous artist; what matters is that I'm creating things. I love the feel of ink across moleksine pages! I will write/draw about anything, just to have an excuse to enjoy how beautifully the lines flow. It is a glorious thing.

I have essay ideas, silly little drawings that make sense to no one but me, short stories that are half fiction, half real-life, little snippets of conversation, one-sentence synopses of life, and so on. There would be melodies of the random songs waiting to be written if I had a better inner ear and could write things without having to hear them first...

So yes, I was a skeptic when Eddie James and Linny Jane and an entire community on the internet sang the praises of this leather-bound gem, but I have been converted. ;)

So far removed!

2006-11-02T23:00:00.001-05:00

Can anybody get me up to speed on the latest about the universal indult I'm hearing whispers of?

Movin' on

2006-10-19T18:31:00.000-04:00

In light of yesterday's revelation from the paper, I've decided that it is time to move onto other (and hopefully better) things.

This poses a problem, however. I had only just resolved that I would stay at the paper, teach in the evenings, play with the band on weekends, prepare to take graduate school auditions next fall, and return to school in fall '08. Things were rather settled for once in my life, and it was almost pleasant, if somewhat dull.

Only now I can't stay at the paper, and I'm wondering where to go from here.

I have two options: a) go find a full-time writing job elsewhere, cease teaching, and enjoy my weekends with the band; or b) say 'so long' to the system and shamelessly sell myself as a teacher and performer.

Option a) wouldn't be awful. I'd have to drop the studio because I couldn't work full-time and commute and still teach all of my students, simply because of the overlap between lessons and a nine-to-five job. I could still teach out of my home one night a week or so, but I wouldn't be able to stay at the studio--thus losing many of my kids. But I'd have steady income, would be a contributing member of society, would have a healthplan, and could live a quasi-normal life (as normal as I'll ever get, haha). I could still play during evenings and weekends and thus, in theory, satisfy my creative needs.

Option b) is far riskier and far less supported by my family (yes, I am aware that at 22 I am capable of making my own decisions). It would involve me having to cover my own healthcare, handling my own expenses, staying in the area where my studios are rather than adventuring elsewhere potentially more exciting. It would also require me to face my most stubborn fears of inadequacy, imperfection, and the like.

Option b) would give me the pleasure and frustration of giving myself to the furthering of my art and the nurturing of my students' talents and understanding daily. It would allow me to organize things the way I dream of, including theory and listening as part of lessons and really giving my students a holistic understanding of music on a level I can't quite not simply because of the advance preparation that I don't have time for.

Yes, I am remembering to pray for enlightenment, but I feel almost that God would be happy to see me do either as long as I did it with love and passion. I don't know what to do.

2006-10-18T11:35:00.000-04:00

So if you get bad news about a writing position on the feast of an Evangelist, what does that mean for your future?

The newspaper informed me today that they are taking back the ten extra hours per week that they had given me, so I'm back at twenty per week from the thirty I was at. That's going to tighten finances more than I would like it to, but I really can't do anything about. "Budget issues" and "new reporter" were mumbled at me as reasons.

I am upset at the loss of income, but not at having to spend less time at the paper. I now work from 6:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m., which gives me time to do things like practice and oh! yes, look for a different position.

Although the work was hardly ideal, I did enjoy the convenience of being done every day no later than 1, which freed me to teach in the evenings. I don't know if I'll be able to find another position quite so accomodating.

In other writing news, I finally got my latest piece into Mind Sprocket, and we're hopeful that an update is soon forthcoming. Anchorite did an excellent illustration to accompany it, and I'm most eager to see what everything looks like when put together.

I haven't been writing as much as I was wont to, and I miss it. That will have to be remedied.

Kudos

2006-10-02T10:29:00.000-04:00

Congratulations are in order for Linny Jane on the completion of her novel!! For more details of the culmniation of this great feat, check out Writers Untie!.

I'm so pleased for you, Linds!!

This week in music

2006-09-28T18:41:00.000-04:00

Now I'm just killing time between lessons.

Tonight's best quote so far is, "I can't play D; it makes my eyes hurt." "Your eyes?" "I mean my arms."

Tonight's inspirational quote is, "Musical depth is not about better playing; it's about more organic playing."

Yesterday I got my first clarinetist over the break. I can't begin to articulate how proud I am of that! It was much easier than I wanted to make it initially.

Student: "What's that note?"
Me: "C"
Student: "How do you finger that?"
Me: "Thumb, register, 123, 123 pinky."
Student: "Okay."

Out comes a C. That was easy. Why didn't I do that with my other kids?

Tonight I found the Best Tinwhistle Resource Ever (tm): www.chiffandfipple.com. Everything you could ever want to know about whistle, and somethings you didn't know you could want to know. Even better, I found a fingering chart so I no longer have an excuse to only play tunes in D (which could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it). One of its sister sites has amazing information on things like ornamentation ("it's bling for your music") and arpeggios ("either those whacky neighbors from a long-forgotten '70s sitcom or else a rare tropical fish").

I am amused.

It's been a while

2006-09-28T11:27:00.000-04:00

The "real world" has caught up with me at last!. Working 6:30 a.m. to 1 p.m., teaching from 4 p.m. to 8 p.m., and gigging and rehearsing away my weekends, I've little time to do else besides work and teaching.

My novel has thus suffered. To my great disappointment, I am only at 10,000 words two days before the deadline. In my defense, I was writing by hand because my laptop died several months ago, but still, there have been others who made it work.

I do, however, plan to continue working on my sad, strange, twisted little opus, as I think it has vision and potential that could some day really become something. My personal goal is to have it drafted by the end of December (much more realistic).

Kudos to fellow Linny Jane for being so close to completion!! I have no doubt that she will finish it, and maybe if I'm lucky, let me read some of it. (Hint, hint.)

Novel-in-a-Month

2006-08-20T22:36:00.000-04:00

Not related to Snakes on a Plane, despite having the same number of words.

I contemplated writing a more detailed entry on the Novel-in-a-Month project, but Linny Jane has done such an excellent job here, that I'll let you read what she has to say on it.

In the interest of job satisfaction

2006-08-16T12:40:00.000-04:00

In the interest of having a less woe-is-me experience at the paper, I decided to talk to my editor today about taking on more hours and more responsibility. I will now be adding about three hours a day to my workload, taking me to 7 hrs a day, five days a week--in theory, the last step before becoming salaried. I realized that I wasn't really giving this position a fair shot because I wasn't giving my all to it. I instead lamented that it wasn't something other than it was.

I still feel a little like I'm wandering around in a foreign land. In reality, I am--I'm wandering into unfamiliar territory here. All my writing training was in the realm of professional writing, not in how to be a reporter. But maybe it'll keep getting better?

So we'll see where my writing goes from here. Seeing that byline on my editor's screen really did have the effect that a fellow journalist said it would: things change when you see your name up in print. (I missed the last thing that I wrote, and it never made it to the website because it was so boring, so this was the first time).

Things are going well with the music studio. I'll be getting four new flutes at the end of the month off another woodwind teacher who wants to free up some space. That'll take my studio up to a blazing twelve, which is only one-third of the way full. Other teachers keep assuring me that if I just hang in there until September, things will miraculously pick up. I'm hopeful that they're right.

Adjusting to the real-world implications of a double life as musician-writer has been tricky this summer. I feel like I'm always stressing out about them but never really accomplishing anything towards either of them, but after my meeting today I feel a little bit more hopefuL

I'm doing the "write a novel in a month" thing starting September 1st. Friend and fellow blogger Linny Jane will be participating, as will friend and commenter (and web editor) Eddie James. I'm looking forward to it, as I've only just started to get back into creative writing after producing almost no creative work since I was 14. I have the BEST setting ever and am mentally beginning some character sketches.

This, of course, takes a back seat to regular productivity for Mind Sprocket. Best wishes to its editor on his new life adventure in Georgia!

An excellent folk resource

2006-08-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

The one and only Mudcat Cafe.

A Maestro Shares His Perspective

2006-07-24T12:02:00.000-04:00

Domenico Bartolucci has seen six popes' worth of sacred music. His insights on the matter are worth a read.

Has it really been a month?

2006-07-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

Yes, unless my calendar deceives me, I haven't written in here for a month.

The organ gig that I was so enthused and stressed about turned out rather underwhelming in the end. I am such a poor keyboardist that most of my work was done with just the right hand. Yes, I'll admit it: I cheated. I really shouldn't have been allowed to pass the audition I did (which was also one-handed). I was, and continue to be, rather mortified at what I did. I spent most of Mass trying to retain my composure enough to prepare for the next thing I had to play.

Until I get some serious practice under my belt, I'm staying away from church music gigs that involve organ. Give me a baton, and I'll lead a choir; give me a score, and I'll sing from it. But don't make me play organ.

That was my last recent adventure in sacred music. Most of my work now has returned to the *gasp* secular world. I have a studio of 8 students now, and couldn't be more pleased. I love pedagogy (yes, I'm weird like that), and it brings me such joy every week to go in there and watch them realize things and cement things, get excited and just plain enjoy what they're doing.

I have one who's preparing for symphony auditions currently, and she is super-psyched about that. I think she'll do well.

I also prepared myself for auditions recently. Took an audition for an opera orchestra in Harrisburg and got in (unsure what seat I am, though). It's an unpaid position, but it will look amazing on my resume. We're doing Falstaff this fall, which allegedly has one of the hardest orchestral scores of any opera. Oh, I am so ready!

On the other side of the spectrum, I'm eagerly anticipatipating my first gig with Ash and Rowan this coming Friday. I played casually in college with a few Irish groups (one amusing pre-med piper in particular), and I really miss it. I have heard this group before and was left stunned by their brilliance. I am eager for a chance to revel in that as their flutist. Keeping fingers crossed that everything goes well. I'm nervous, because in my excitement I've told several people about it, and they've said they want to come. Oops? Someday I'll learn to keep my enthusiasm to myself. Really don't want people getting the idea that I actually want to see them, ha!

On a more serious note, several of my friends have asked me, "But what happened to sacred music?" It needs to take a back seat for a while. The more I've had time to think about things this summer, the more obvious it's become that my skills do not currently lie in that field. I need to accept that and do things to work on them, but right now my focus is on developing the gifts that I have, where they are, without running from them in search of other, "better" things. I thought for a long time that being a Catholic musician meant that I had to be a sacred musician, but I've begun to learn otherwise. I still love sacred music and hope that I will have the opportunity to participate in it again (as a singer, though) and possibly even study some more in it. (My dream grad program would be flute with a sacred music minor.) But God made me a flute player for some reason, and for right now, I'm learning to daily say "thank you" for that and not "but why aren't I an organist" instead.

Of organ. Again.

2006-06-22T11:21:00.000-04:00

I will be sucking up my pride this Sunday and . . . just playing right hand for most of the music at Mass. I am not an organist. (Yet. God alone knows what I'll become/where I'll go in my life.) Nor can I become an organist in two weeks.

This is okay. All I can do is my best. I will continue practicing my fingers off, but whatever happens Sunday, soli Deo gloria. Maybe, I'll get really lucky, and my guardian angel will decide this would be a good time to become a visible presence and play the bass/tenor lines for me. I'm not counting on it, but I can hope, right? ;)

Of sacred music in general and organs in particular

2006-06-12T22:50:00.000-04:00

For Richard and others who are curious: the monastery.

Today I trundled out to Columbia to pick up the music for Sunday the 25th. It could be worse: the opening hymn is "O God, Almighty Father," a hymn I conducted a thousand times in my last position as conductor. Ah, memories. The closing hymn is something I don't even recall (but it's fairly modern and sappy), but I did get to pick the offertory and communion hymns (which are just instrumental with no one singing). My choices: the chant version of "Ave Maria" and "Panis Angelicus." Heh. And thus the subversion begins.

I played the organ for the first time today. I have to say that it was unlike any other musical experience I've had in my entire life. I've played/sung/conducted in church off and on for about three years (I had one brief stint in seventh grade, but I don't think that counts any longer), but never touched the organ. It was something mysterious and foreign; it had a mystic lure because it was so unfamiliar to me. I played piano some, but in general keyboards still were regarded as the "other."

I ended up playing for an hour without realizing it. I was simply trying to familiarize myself with the instrument and begin learning some of my hymns. I wended my way through the double-manual setup with little trouble, much awe, and something almost mystical. No, I definitley wasn't amazing, heh, but playing touched something in my soul that I didn't know was there. I've done sacred music, I've contemplated it as a life path (God alone knows what's been going through my mind as I try to figure out what I want/am supposed to do), but I never had an experience quite like the one today.

What does it all mean? I wish I knew. I wish I could clearly say that I've found my life calling in that one moment. What it really means, on a very practical level, is that I have a lot of work to do between now and June 25th.

The results are in

2006-06-01T22:58:00.000-04:00

I'm continuing my life as a liturgical musician as . . . periodic organist/player of ghastly electric pianos if I can't learn organ in time (so I will learn in time!) for a local monastery.

Oy vey.

Who Knew?

2006-05-31T21:29:00.000-04:00

Apparently, God has a fantastic sense of humor. Apparently, I'm a favorite target. Tomorrow the essaying flute player has an interview with a local monastery to become their organist.

Under other circumstances, I'm sure I would be purely thrilled and say, "Look, I'm on my way to reforming liturgical music!" but I am mostly petrified at the fact of being an organist when all of my formal training on keyboard a) was on piano; and b) ended over a year ago. Guess who has barely touched a keyboard of any variety in that year?

I'm partly afraid that I won't get the position; I'm even more terrified that I will.

Early Music in Odd Places

2006-05-25T14:45:00.000-04:00

Sting is going to release an album of Dowland's lute music!!

Commencing

2006-05-17T21:09:00.000-04:00

Saturday was my graduation from college. It was a lot different than I thought it would be: I was bored out of my mind, only getting excited when the Dean of Academic Affairs said, "Will the candidates for the Bachelor of Arts and Bachelor of Sciences please stand?"

Now, I'm left with a feeling of emptiness that mixes with and dilutes the thrill of accomplishment, but at least I can say I made it.

I've decided not to completely give up on graduate school, but rather to delay it. I spoke with the professor who encouraged me to rethink my easy acceptance of rejection from ND and to continue to pursue others. So right now, I'm researching more programs repolishing essays, finding copies of the history journal I co-edited, writing letters to professors.

I feel like a yo-yo, back and forth about this issue constantly. But I keep coming back to it; the most random things make me think about it. Right now, I'm reading The Barn at the End of the World, and the author (Mary Rose O'Reiley) mentions that she was raised Catholic but that the hideous post-Vat II church music started making her rethink her faith. That struck a huge chord with me. This music, or the lack of it, really affects people. It makes and breaks faith in some.

And I really shouldn't have given up my crusade as easily as I did. So this time I'm going to do it right--I'm going to research and get in contact and submit everything early and make these universities beg me to join them. And then we'll see what happens from there.

"A Sixteenth Century Success"

2006-05-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

One of the many reasons why I thoroughly enjoyed Renaissance and Reformation History with Dr. Wessley this semester!

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

2006-04-16T20:30:00.000-04:00

Happy and blessed Easter to all my readers!!

After probably a good year and a half at other regional Latin Masses, my family and I finally made it back to beloved St. Al's in Baltimore for Easter Mass this morning. A good, solid, long liturgy, just like Easter Sunday Mass should be. At least, in my book. I hadn't been there in so long that my first reaction was to sit in a pew and just let the tears fall. It was like coming home after being away. The incense, the organ, the choir, the Mass itself . . . everything was more appreciated because of how long it had been since I had participated in it, since I had belonged to it. God willing, once I graduate, I'll be able to make it down there more frequently, as I won't have anymore Sunday afternoon concert commitments.

I am convinced of the truth that you cannot know true joy unless you know true sorrow. Hence the Lent/Easter dichotomy. The more intense, and honestly, more painful, your Lenten experience, the more full your joy on Easter Sunday. The darker your journey, the more you rejoice in the reappearance of light. The lack of something increases your capacity to appreciate it.

May your Paschaltide be rich with joy and faith!

Late again, as usual

2006-04-09T00:02:00.000-04:00

As usual, it's been forever since I've posted here. I've been up to various, sundry things, like history projects, final concerts, and job searching.

Yes, the great Quest for a Job has begun. I am searching primarily for technical/journalistic writing and editing positions, but I also have a few feelers out there for music positions (primarily teaching), with a a couple very vague potentialities in sacred music. We'll see what happens.

I think I am finall over my grand disappointment of not going to grad school this fall. It took a while; almost everyone of intelligence whom I know is going right on. One is going to Harvard, another to Penn State Medical School in Hershey. Another is going I-forget-where and has a full-ride fellowship for her first year. I have . . . nothing.

On the contrary, I have everything; I have options! I have a wide world. I have multiple useful (at least on some level, ha!) skills and infinite opportunities to use them. And so I shall! Wish me luck, dear readers, as I work on my next great adventure.

Sometimes you just need to let go . . .

2006-03-17T17:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just need to let go, but I keep hanging on. To the grad school dream, that is. I have all but decided that the best thing in the world for me is to wait a year or so until I really know what I want to go to grad school for. Right now, I am full of enthusiasm and idealism but have very little academic direction. I'm currently tied up in three different disciplines and am not ready to commit to any one of them for the rest of my academic career.

Right now, if I had my way, I would just keep learning and studying, in the classroom and out, until I die. Not formally, per se, though I do want that elusive Ph.D. most days so that I might teach others.

I'm not interested in education for education's sake, however. I really want to learn as much about the world around me so that I can thank my Creator for it. I feel like the more I learn, the more in awe I am, and the more I just step back and say, "Thank you, Lord, for making this beautiful world and letting me inhabit it if even for a short while." The more I see reflections of the God who made this reality, the more I long to be united to Him. Sounds corny, yes, but it's true. That's the real reason I'm so drawn to learning.

Just when you thought it was safe to give up . . .

2006-03-14T18:06:00.000-05:00

I had completely written off medieval musicology as grad work, and then out of nowhere, I receive an e-mail from Western Michigan University informing me that I haven't missed the deadlines. I have until the summer to get all my documents in. I gave up on music! I was convinced I was going to study rhetoric, and I was all excited about it, even as I was disappointed about not being able to go save the world as a musician. Now I suppose I've got nothing to do except go full speed at both of them and see what happens in the end.